Monthly Archive: January 2018

Advice for the political parties

Today, the political year kicks off. Naturally, I, a 14 year old, decided to offer my valuable (read: worthless) advice to the politicians who have been doing this for years and years.

Let’s get right in then, shall we?

Labour: If you make a promise, make bloody well sure it happens. With an unusually large opposition facing the ruling party, this government needs to be on the double with making sure that crisis are averted, and quickly.

National: Show unity. Not having columns going up suggesting a leadership coup is critical at this stage. For the moment, National must show that they are 100% behind Bill. Otherwise, National also needs to put the best of the best up asking the questions come question time. Now is not the time to give the newbies experience; the year must start off right for National.

NZ First: Distinguish yourself. With the rumors swirling around that this will be Winston’s last years, showing that NZ First is not a one man party is critical. Whether it’s Ron Mark, Tracey Martin, or Shane Jones, they all need to show their prowess.

Greens: Get  Chloe Swarbrick in the media. Had Jacinda not come onto the scene, Chloe Swarbrick could have been the millennial’s star this election. But Jacinda is slowly becoming old news, giving an opportunity for Swarbrick to take the show. Having her in good media will give the greens a bump in polls and bump in confidence.

ACT: Make sure what you do counts: With David Seymour your only MP, whatever questions you ask, whatever you do on your select committees, make sure it counts. You won’t have many chances, so don’t waste them.

There ya go. A 14 year old’s advice to the political parties.

Liz Jones

With the news that Jacinda Ardern is pregnant, columnist Liz Jones, via the UK’s Daily Mail newspaper, has launched a crusade of criticism against the PM.

After reading the column, I decided to respond in kind.

So here we go!

The Prime Minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern, is expecting a baby in June, making her the first world leader since 1990 to expect a child while in office – and by far the most annoying.

Must be a slow news week in the UK.

(They don’t count Tony Blair who had baby Leo while in No10, though I’m sure Cherie made him breastfeed as well as pee sitting down.)

Is that salt I hear?

‘This year we’ll join the many parents who wear two hats,’ announced Ms Ardern to raptures from the sisterhood. ‘I’ll be PM & a mom while Clarke will be “first man of fishing” & stay at home dad.’

Oh please! Giving birth months after winning an election isn’t multi-tasking. It’s more a betrayal of voters. It’s worse than Damian Green and those porngate claims! At least he could snap his laptop shut if World War III broke out.

1. She wasn’t aware that she was pregnant until well after the election.

2. Porn is similar to pregnancy? I’m worried now.

What will a new mum PM do? Hurry back from Waitrose, wailing: ‘I’m sorry I missed Armageddon, but we’d run out of organic Ella’s Kitchen’?

Ever heard of a cabinet? Or a Deputy Prime Minster? Or a stay at home dad?

Ardern talks about how in June her ‘team will expand from two to three’. Yuk! Even I’ve now got morning sickness. They’re not a team. What’s baby going to be? Minister for Midday Naps?

Yes please! A ministry for Midday Naps would be great!
You may feel I’m being a little harsh. After all, what do I know, having never pushed a human being out from between my thighs? But I do know what it’s like to work with mums.
100% the same thing.
Don’t believe what all these female propagandists write in the press about having it all, viz Vogue’s new beauty director, who in the latest issue witters: ‘Depending on the day, his nanny or my mother arrives at 8am and then he and I go our separate ways.

Once I shut the front door, it’s game-face on… making sure once I’m there I can be so effective that I will make it home in time for bath and bedtime by 7.30pm. The hours before I leave the house and those on my return are the most precious of my 24, enhanced by the fact I’ve had the day to be “working” me.’

Can I tell you the truth about sitting opposite one of these new mums? Game face? Effective? They crawl into work late, with egg in their hair and wearing last night’s onesie.

Man, if that’s the dress code where you work, I want a job there! Also, trashing on your co-workers isn’t very nice, Liz.

They are never, ever off the phone, microscopically grilling the nanny/granny about what the blasted child is eating, becoming enraged if water is given from anything plastic (‘It must be glass! Glass!!’) while simultaneously cooing at baby’s Instagram feed.

They get a job where they get to yell at people, and look at their Instagram feed? I want their job!

Once they get off the phone to the nanny/granny, they are then back on it again, discussing the new leather flooring in the master bedroom (‘So good for tiny knees once he starts crawling’), and arranging a villa in the South of France.

And they get go to France? I want their job!

Then they try to get hold of the other member of the ‘team’ triangle, Dad, whose colleagues at his investment bank have absolutely no idea he is even attached, let alone a new parent.

Somehow I doubt this is Clarke Gayford.

Fine, if you want to work behind the counter at Boots. But if you want to get to the top of your game? If you want to be a world leader? Surely your country shouldn’t have to compete for your attention with a colicky toddler.

Deputy Prime Minster. Cabinet. Stay at home dad. Back up measures galore!

This is what makes me mad when women wail about being paid less than men.

It has nothing to do with discrimination and everything to do with the fact that, while on maternity leave, you never hear a peep, except when they pop in to collect their gifts.

If Jacinda does this, we’ll let you know.

When my fashion director disappeared on maternity leave, I had to call to let her know we were still, you know, being published every month.

When she returned to work three days a week (you see?), it was barely a season before she announced she was off to breed another one.

How to judge your co-workers with Liz Jones.

When I objected she said: ‘But it’s a feminist magazine! This is what we stand for!’ I countered: ‘But you’ve just increased my workload and blown my budget.

I’m a woman as well, you know.’ ‘Barely,’ she muttered, gathering her things.

Wasn’t this column about the Prime Minster being pregnant or something?

Conclusion: Liz Jones thinks working with mothers is the same as being one, hates her co-workers, and believes porn is similar to pregnancy. She sounds fun to work with.

Jamie Strange – Meet the Newbies

In episode 14 of Meet the Newbies, I talk to Labour’s Jamie Strange, a Labour list MP from Hamilton East in a 14 minute interview. We chat about his background as a teacher and his focus on education, the ministries he wants, and his conservatism on social issues.

COMING UP ON FRIDAY: In the final episode of Meet the Newbies, I talk with Angie Warren-Clark, who only became an MP after the special votes, on the wait between the preliminary results and special votes results.

Newbie MP Jamie Strange

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